I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee!

“I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee!” – Queen Amidala, Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace

The Conference

Eventually, your writer’s shelves, counter tops, pantry, medicine cabinet and all other horizontal surfaces will ooze tattered copies of The Writer, Writer’s Journal, Writer’s Digest and other writerly magazines. Piles of “how to” books on character development, plot pacing and sneaking past writer’s block will reach from the floor, creating paper-pulp stalagmites. Most noticeable will be a current copy of Writer’s Market Guide, the holy bible of writer markets, just waiting for your writer’s submissions, vomiting sticky notes, loose pieces of paper, and fliers from writer’s conferences. “What’s that?” you ask. “Writer’s have conferences? Aren’t they always afraid of having other writers steal their ideas?” Oh, my dear writer’s friend, it’s time for you to grab the alcohol-based or hyper-caffeinated beverage of your choice, for you have a lot to learn.

Gone are the days of bohemian writers sitting lonely in unheated cabins, of sitting in obscurity absorbing angst, or spending long evenings drinking endless cups of coffee in the neighborhood cafés with other writerly types. Your writer is most likely taking writing classes or, at the very least, is part of a local writing group. And, for the early bird discounted price of $625.00, plus travel, food and lodging expenses, she will be given the opportunity to listen to published writers talk about writing, agents talk about getting an agent, and editors talk about the editing process. She will be able to trot her story past a few agents and meet a handful of published writers, fawning over them in what (hopefully) is an appropriate manner. Specifically, she will attempt to avoid looking like a maniacal stalker. This alone will command all of her mental resources and may require a somewhat incoherent call to you, immediately afterwards and from inside a stall in the restroom, to release some of her exploding excitement.

Having discussed the upcoming conference, ad nauseum, online with other budding authors, she will find ample opportunity to just miss meeting her online buddies at the morning buffet table, around the box lunch vendor hall, during the evening’s cash bar mixer and in the standing-room only session titled, “How to quit your job and still keep paying the bills.”

“Yes,” you nod understandingly, “but what do I, the writer’s friend, need to do?” Early on, after the check has been sent and the unexpectedly high power bill has arrived, you will reiterate how this is, indeed, money well spent. If she’s itemizing, you will remind her that it’s a business expense. You will listen to the entire conference speaker line up and sound perfectly entranced to hear that Mr. SuperStar WriterMan is the keynote speaker, even though you have never in your life heard of Mr. SuperStar WriterMan. You will also win Best Friend Forever status by calling her mobile after the first day of the conference and asking how the conference is going. She is going to be pushing some serious crazies, surrounded by that many writers, and will need to pour all her hopes, fears and new-found realizations past you before she can get to sleep.

May the Force be with us all, Share!

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