That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way.

Qui-Gon Jinn:       “Do you hear that?”
[a rumbling is heard in the distance]
Jar Jar Binks:       “Yeah.”
Qui-Gon Jinn:       “That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way.”
Obi-Wan Kenobi: “If they find us, they will crush us, grind us into tiny pieces, and blast us into oblivion!”
Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace

The First Manuscript

Until your writer friend starts on his manuscript, by actually putting words on paper, he is not a writer and you can relax knowing that neither your life nor your friendship will change much. Toss a polite smile on your face when he brings up the subject of “becoming” a writer. Feel free to nod along politely if he talks about the topic he’s “going to” write about. You can even safely daydream for a few minutes while he discusses how great it’s going to be when he “is” a famous writer and can tell his boss that he’s not coming to work anymore. If he’s not writing, he’s not a writer. He’s merely a dreamer or a researcher, both of which will be easy on your friendship.

A manuscript, however, is the real deal. This is one of those flashing cherry strobe light moments in your friendship, similar to him getting married or having a child. Therefore, if he mentions that a) he cranked out 1027 words last night; b) he’s on chapter 5 of a historical novel; or c) he can’t quite find the correct way to bring a talking squirrel named Ed into a particular scene, immediately start making yourself a double espresso and find your hidden chocolate stash. You’re going to need both the comfort and the caffeine.

There are multiple types of first time ever manuscripts and, regardless of genre, they’re all crap. Yes, crap. The most common is the trial run manuscript. This is nothing more than a few chapters plugged into the computer or, if they’re feeling particularly highbrow and expecting to write the next Great American Novel, scribbled onto yellow legal pads with an expensive pen. If he is in possession of a fountain tip pen, it will be used. Go ahead and have a truffle, but realize that this is generally nothing more than an exercise to see how dedicated he is to the writing process, how willing he is to sitting alone for hours on end and a means of tossing out lots of ideas on a variety of subjects. Characters will change mid-draft, settings will be unrecognizable from chapter to chapter and the plot can move from fantasy to gothic to chick lit to science fiction in the course of 50 pages.

The danger comes when you hear these fateful words, “I finished this last night. Will you read it and tell me what you think?” After a few pages, you may begin to wonder if your friend has actually read his own words. You will catch yourself thinking, “How did he not notice that his subjects and verbs don’t usually match up?” or “He left out at least 25 words in these 3 chapters alone.”

Depending on the level of your friendship and your writer’s current emotional state, you will need to decide how best to critique his first step into the writing pool. Do you focus on the details or the overall story? This first time out, it’s probably best to stick to the positives. “You describe things really well. I could really see how Katherine’s office was laid out.” Of course, if the writing is truly disastrous, you’ll have to be honest about some of the major flaws. “I was confused for most of the book about Zargon’s inability to fly, but then you mentioned how his belt is his source of all power and how it was damaged in a laser battle. Maybe you could mention that earlier in the book.” At no point, should you read this first manuscript draft in front of your friend. Your face will surely give you away. Likewise, do not feel you have the right to be completely honest about its (many, many) faults. This process has been a huge emotional drain on your already jumpy writer friend. He has put a small part of himself, and a large part of his ego, out on the line in letting you read the product of his toil. It is not up to you to save the larger reading world from this literary monstrosity. This version is never going to get to a printer, an editor, or even an agent. It’s going to be rewritten, divided, moved around and eventually tossed. This is only the beginning. You and your writer have a long, long, long way to go.