This bounty hunter is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive.

“This bounty hunter is my kind of scum:  fearless and inventive.” – Jabba the Hutt, Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi

Book Stalking (the last in my Talking Her Down series)

Plan to take the first day that your writer friend’s book hits the stands off. Completely off. Mark it on the company calendar as resolutely as you would for brain surgery. Call the in-laws to come get your kids and dog for the day. Have a mound of one-handed snack foods ready the night before: cheese and apple slices, celery sticks and peanut butter, ham sandwiches with real mayonnaise (you’ll need the calories). Go for the carb and protein combo to keep your energy up. This is not the time for dainty little cucumber sandwiches with the edges cut off! Make plans to get the significant other out of the house for the entire day. What? They work from home? Introduce them to the reality of Wi-Fi down at the local coffee shop. You’re going to need full use of the house, all phone lines, the computer, the car, and the fridge for at least the next 16 hours.

Make sure you have the following supplies on hand:

• A cell phone, backup battery and a charger that allows you talk while it’s charging.
• Telephone books for a 40 mile radius, with all relevant bookstores flagged. You’ll be using them to check and make sure friend’s book is available and in stock.
• A map of the area with all the aforementioned bookstore locations circled in red.
• A bright blue highlighter
• A bright pink highlighter

You will be spending the morning calling all the relevant bookstores in your area to see who is carrying your friend’s book and who (gasp!) is not. If, heaven forbid, you find a store that does not have your friend’s book available, you will sound SHOCKED that they are not carrying this modern masterpiece. You will announce in a dismayed, and somewhat incredulous, voice that, “No, I don’t want to wait another minute to get my hands on this book.” You will breezily let them know that ABC Bookstore on the other end of town is carrying it and you just wanted to save yourself a few minutes picking it up. You will highlight that bookstore in blue to remind you to call them back in 2-3 days to ask about availability again. And again. And again. Until they have it in stock.

Bookstores that do have your friend’s book in stock during the morning call-fest will be highlighted in bright pink. The afternoon will be spent going from one pink-highlighted book seller to another. At each store, you will move quickly but quietly to the location of your writer friend’s book. Depending on the love that his publisher has shown him, by buying or not buying premium in-store placement, his book will be displayed either on an end cap, a table, face-out on the shelf or, horror upon horrors, spine-out on the shelf – unloved and unnoticeable.

We have already discussed the luck that your writer friend generally has, so you’re going to be moving that book from spine out to to at least face-out on the shelf. If possible, you’re going to find an empty, but lovely, spot nearby where a tasteful pile will catch the eyes of all passers-by. To do this, you may have to go to the customer service desk and request a few copies of the book from the back storeroom. There may not be enough copies on the shelf to do your display justice. A simple, “Hi. I see that you’ve sold out of that new book by Simon Bookseller, Buy My Book and I’ll Love You Forever. Could you please get me two from the back? I told my sister I’d pick one up for her too,” will work just fine.

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